Ever since that time....

This might sound weird to the others, but I feel like super strange when people around you already different than you imagine. Some already married, having kids... yet I remain the way who I am.

Yet, my real wish is to erase my memories of my past to make sure I'm moving on with my life. Even though it's just an impossible wish. Everything, almost everything feels like pure emptiness on myself since I'm not the kind that takes on someone else's opinions unless it's serious.

About love, I'll skip on that since I'm not bothered with it after what happened during studying years(yes, I made that big mistake). I decided to quit finding my other half to pursue my own happiness and my family instead. But of course, I've already gave up on my happiness (lol).

Warped

As years passes through, I've been enduring a lot of things. Happiness, sadness, pain, joy and more. 

Gradually, my personality become warped due to various factors. Pressure from studies, peers. family and environment. Used to be a gentle and shy girl, but slowly my inner evil keeps rising up when things went wrong. Though I manage to take control before I act. And sometimes I ended up hurting myself in turn to help everything for everyone else. 

Tried to cry, but no tears flowing down. Wants to get really mad over something, I ended up apologizing. I'm no emotionless person, deep down I can get hurt a lot but never shows the pain.

@#%#$^%^&^*&$%$#!!!!

Is what I feel now. Really.....

When I'm stressed, they bug me. When I'm not, they're still going to bug me.

"WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" 

This so called "toxic anger" might hit on someone if you keeps on bugging me when you're already aware of it. Then you blame me when I'm mad.

"STOP POINTING ON SOMEONE'S ELSE MISTAKES WHEN YOU DIDN'T CHECK ON YOURS! I MEAN IT!"

"Bila aku marah, ko salahkan aku lepas tu cakap bukan2 pulak."

Just because I'm being quiet doesn't mean you can pick on me every time.

And sorry if I'm being naive and an idiot.

「（。＿。）」＞。＜

わたしの歩もの気持ちはなに？

My heart feels uneasy in a few times, but tried to conceal it. Even so, I locked my sadness from the others not letting them know....

Wandering thoughts.....

From previous year (2013), a lot of things happened:

- Noel (my netbook) is busted and replaced with a new one.
- Coping with mental depressions since the CGPA didn't rise as much....
- Making friends in degree level is harder than I thought (not to mention my own foolishness lead to tons of misunderstandings)
- Lack of confidence during assignment requiring standing in front of people.

I'm worrying the others more than myself.... and I should tend to myself first before the others since I'm always ended up being miserable.

What lies within my heart?

Seems like life tends to rise up and flop down in a few times as a test. And yeah, I've been like this more than once from my own foolishness. It does hurt when you have to face a lot of problems, yet depression rises back.

It's useless to hide what I'm feeling, and ended up being like this.

Sagitta luminis

Quite a long time I haven't listened to background music, but this one really touched my feelings within. Sometimes I wish to become stronger to survive throughout the life I have now. No matter how much it takes to bear the sadness, I'll keep on walking forward.....